Isaac's Sister

From the very first, people questioned us about choosing to have our children close together.  Our sanity, ethics and morals were further questioned when we had children after Isaac's official autism diagnosis.

This morning, Sam and I went to my daughter's middle school awards day ceremony.  We squeaked in just as the program was beginning.  We had had to negotiate a long line of vehicles carrying other proud parents.  Our state park hiking and navigating skills had paid off as we finally found a place to park at the community center adjacent to the school and had negotiated the trails across the creek, past the ball field and beside the elementary school to reach our destination.  Next time a great crowd is expected, I will wear my hiking boots as a necessary accessory.  We arrived thankful and a bit sweaty and found a seat on the bleachers.  The floor of the gym was populated by the massive eighth grade class all squirming in their seats quite unaccustomed to dressing up.  Parents and siblings lined the bleachers and the teachers and administration were on stage beaming at their pleasant duty of recognizing these students whom they loved.

The pledge was said.  The national anthem was sung beautifully by one of the students and then the presentations began.  We had been notified that our daughter was to receive an award but beyond that we knew nothing.  Related arts instructors presented their tributes first.  Band, Strings, Chorus...

Our daughter's name was called.  She had been recognized as the Chorus Student of the Year.  I listened to her name echo in the middle school gym.  I watched my child confidently approach the stage and retrieve her award.  I beamed.  Sam took pictures.  The room cheered for my child.  More and more awards and recognitions were distributed.  Now all the academic regalia had found their honorable owners.  There were a few more acknowledgements to be made.  I again heard my daughter's name called to receive an award.  She had joined an elite group of peers who had been determined by the faculty to be honored with the Citizenship Award.  She, with her presence and spirit and attitude, had made the middle school a better place overall.  She had affected the school.  She had mattered.  I am so very proud.

I remember years ago watching my daughter crawl through our carpeted hallway chasing after Isaac.  Isaac would sit in front of the air return and strum it ceaselessly to feel the vibration and to hear the noise.  I remember watching my daughter as she strummed it once and then crawled on.  I remember all the times she sought her brother out to interact and play.  I remember how even as a very small child she looked out for him.  I look back on my daughter's early childhood and think of all the ways she has had to grow up ...maybe sometimes too quickly.  I wonder sometimes what the overall effect has been.  I have long tried to comfort myself with the knowledge that everyone has something not quite typical that they deal with.  Our family is very aware of autism.  Other lives have been touched with other challenges both physical and emotional.

I watched this confident young lady walk to the stage this morning and my worry is gone.  I see from the bleachers.  She is strong.  She is beautiful.  She is smart.  She is respectful of all types of people.  She is a good human with a kind heart.  She is my daughter and I am so very  proud of who she is and what she is becoming.

Questions You Don't Think You Should Ask: Why Did We Have More Children

I like having this blog.  I like knowing that somewhere out there someone is reading my thoughts and letting me add my voice to thier own private understanding of special needs.

The irony in which we live is that we are free to express our ideas but are bound by a culture of silence made by the fear of political incorrectness.  There are questions I see in the eyes of those who meet us or hear our story. A precious few actually ask.  Many more quash their curiousity with Southern manners.  This post though is not intended to deride manners.  As a Southern mama of four, I hold manners in highest regard.  But manners are not meant to quash...they are meant to guide and offer genteel strategies for navigating the social jungle.

The point of all that:  Honest questions when asked in love are welcomed questions.

One question we have gotten over the years.  Why do you have four children?

My answer as to why we chose to give Isaac siblings centers around community.  We were already pregnant with my oldest daughter when we heard the first whisperings that Isaac's development might not be progressing typically.  I remember that first mention.  It was on my due date for my second child.  I had consciously filled the day with errands refusing to succumb to the notion that any child would be so punctual as to come on his or her directed day.  The due date was only a guess anyway.  Best to keep busy.  I had made Isaac's well visit appointment that day.  He was eighteen months old.  The doctor made routine inquiries and raised an audible eyebrow when I reported that Isaac was not yet speaking words.  He suggested there might be a problem and wanted to know if I would like to explore that further.  I suggested that I was approximately 40 weeks pregnant and that now might not be the best time.

He stammered off an answer.  About a week later, I had my little girl.  She arrived in the middle of the night and was absolutely beautiful.  My labor (without pain meds) had been hard but had been worth it. She had arrived and we were celebrating.  The children's doctor came to examine my new little one bright and early after the eventful night.  One of his first questions was whether I had thought anymore about Isaac's speech and development.  No... I hadn't nor did I want to after a night in which I had labored and completed a natural delivery of my beautiful 9 pound daughter.  GRRRRRR....

ANYWAY....

Time passed.  We took a few months to welcome our new baby and get accustomed to being a family of four.  I still don't regret it.  When our new little one was six months old and Isaac was two we began the journey that led us to discover Isaac's diagnosis.

More time passed.  We withstood the onslaught of therapies and professionals and evaluations.  We were doing everything we could for Isaac.  We watched his sister crawling through the hallway.  We thought of her need.  She would need community.  We were here but this little girl would need someone with unique understanding of what it is like to have a brother with autism.  She needed someone nearer her own age.  She needed another sibling.  So we had another child and then another.

Were there risks?  Yes, but there are when you have any child.  There had been no previous diagnosis of autism on either side of our family before we had Isaac.  Were we nervous?  Yes, but fear cannot be allowed to stop your life.  Were we vigilant?  Oh yes!  We watched our sweet ones and celebrated loudly when they made milestones others might miss.

 All of the children are richer for the experience of growing up together.  Isaac is too.  There is nothing like having to share a household to force lessons of waiting and transition.  We are a team.  The children love and lean on each other.  None is more important than the other.  The family flexes as different needs arise.  We love each of them and dote on them without favorites.  They are ours.  We are community and we help each other.

Please understand that I have given you the gift of my honest answer to an honest question.  The answer though is mine.  Other families choose different paths for different resons.  I can only give you my answer but I offer it anyway to shine a little bit of light on what may otherwise be an unaskable question.

Love you Sweet Friends!